April Fool's Day

So, what's planned for today? Plastic 'dead bug in the juice pitcher'? The old tried and true 'there's a spider in your hair'? Maybe you've gone for the more complicated 'whoopee cushion' gag. Pikers, one and all. No, if you really want to play a good April Fool's Day joke, you have to go for the inventive. A healthy dollop of immaturity helps, too. At a loss? Not inventive? Not to worry! The there's a startling array of April Fool's Day goodies to fit any and every budget.

You can go for the gross. Did you realize that you could actually buy plastic vomit? Imagine putting that in someone's favorite chair. Even better, there's plastic doggie-doo. It not only looks realistic, but for three extra dollars you can get scented doggie-doo. I'm guessing it's not a floral scent. This is a complicated joke, though. For one thing, it wouldn't work unless you have a dog. A cat would do, because you get your choice of doggie-doo or kitty-doo. I was a little disappointed, because I really wanted fake cow-doo.

"Honey, what's that under your chair?"

"Oh, come now! The cow messed in the house again! Guess I'll have to clean it up."

Maybe you can't get fake cow-doo, but you can buy a 'wind' machine. I'm not talking spring mountain breezes, either. It comes with a remote control, so you can hide the 'wind machine' in someone's office (the ad suggested your boss's office) and "watch the fun erupt" when you invoke the remote and cause realistic bodily function noises. If you don't have the $29.95 to shell out for an authentic (watch out for cheap imitators) 'wind' machine, you can spring for the 'wind' in a can, only $9.95. It works on an air freshener principle, except again, spring mountain breezes don't figure into it.

Too gross? Looking for something a little cleverer than pretend gas? What about the fake positive pregnancy test kit you can leave in the bathroom? Or the realistic tooth you can drop in a coffee cup? My favorite is the mousetrap with the finger in it, but frankly, the bloody stump is just too plastic looking. No realism, like the fake vomit.

People with delicate sensitivities can purchase dribble cups, soap that leaves your hands black, and pepper gum. Also a cool April Fool's Joke is the rubber donut. Looks real! When someone tries to steal your donut at work, it lets out a high-pitched squeal and yells 'Thief! Thief!' until deactivated. Probably this wouldn't be perceived as funny if you worked in a bank or department store.

For those whose enthusiasm exceeds wallet capacity, I found many worthwhile do-it-yourself gags. Most popular is the fake video. You just label a video 'Private', 'Personal' or whatever catches your fancy, and leave it in plain sight. In no time at all, that video is popped into the VCR on the sly, at which point your image comes up and you yell 'April fool!' and laugh like a madman.

If you're driving a car, there's the 'oh no, I'm running out of gas' gag, where you pump and release the gas pedal so the car jerks. This usually only works on young kids, though. 'What's that noise' is good for passengers. Or 'do you smell something?' works.

Whatever you choose, from the gross to the homemade, the point is, you can't let people down. April Fool's Day jokes are expected, and it's up to you to uphold the proud tradition of plastic vomit and 'wind' in a can. So go out there, and do your best. And remember, doggie-doo only works if you have a dog. Allow no substitutes.