AS THE DAYS GROW LONGER THE COLD GROWS STRONGER

On the local news the other day, they said that winter was 1/3 of the way over. I’m sorry, but I have to disagree.
If you count up the calendar days until we can reasonably expect decent weather, I suppose you could say winter was roughly 1/3 over. But if you factor in the scientifically proven ‘heat expands, cold contracts’ theory, winter has just begun. We have about seven months left before April.

Let me explain. The colder it gets, the more time contracts, until it actually takes us 72 hours to get through one (theoretically 24 hour) calendar day. Still not convinced? Consider this: which passes faster: a day at the beach with hot sun, warm water, hotdogs on a grill, and a good Mary Higgins Clark novel, or a day where your time is spent moving from the hot air register in the living room to the kerosene heater in the kitchen, to the electric space heater in the bathroom? As the weather becomes warmer, time expands. A 24-hour calendar day can actually pass in 7 hours or less. Therefore, in the winter, the colder it gets outside, the longer your day is, because time has contracted (or shrunk, if you will) into a smaller space.

That’s one reason for that old saying ‘as the days grow longer the cold gets stronger’. Those old-timers may not have known the theory behind cold contracting our days, or what the mathematical equation is to figure out how long a 24 hour day is (based on the ratio of wind-chill factor versus the space/time continuum) but they knew something was afoot.

I have further proofs, if you need them. For instance, let’s say your mailbox is at the end of a one hundred foot driveway. It takes you 1 minute to walk down the driveway, get your mail, and return home when the temperature is 75 degrees outside. But let’s kick that temperature down a notch or two. Let’s say it’s now January, the temperature is –21 degrees and there’s a foot of snow in the driveway. Can you walk down the driveway, get your mail, and return to your house in one minute? No, you cannot. And the reason is, time takes longer to pass when it’s cold, because it has contracted to fit the available space.

Or suppose you want to load up your two children and go to a movie. How long does it take you to get out of the house? Let’s compare August to February. In August, it takes 5 minutes to wash hands and faces, find a missing sneaker, turn the AC to low, get in the car, and then run back inside for the keys. In February, with, mind you, the EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF CHILDREN, it takes 45 minutes to do all the above. Granted, you now have to find dry mittens, wedge on snow-boots and argue over the need for snow-pants, but remember—you don’t have to turn down the AC, because it isn’t on. So, why does it take longer to go to the movies in the cold than it does in the heat? You know why. Time contracts in the cold.

If my theory was not correct, answer me this: why do the local weather people caution folks to allow extra time to get to work in the winter? Because when it’s cold time contracts, and it takes longer to drive to work than in the heat. Do you know why you have to warm your car up before driving it when it’s 10 degrees below zero? Because if you get into a cold car, where time has contracted, it’ll take you so long to get to work you might meet yourself coming home. (No one knows what the ramifications of meeting yourself coming home might be, but I’m guessing they would be pretty bad.)

Nothing can be done about this phenomenon but wait it out. And remember—the warmer your surroundings, the faster spring will arrive. That’s my theory, and I’m sticking too it. There’s nothing else to do until at least 45 more hours pass, night falls, and I can go to bed!